The Unprofessional Football League

Alshon Jeffery Challenges Brandon Marshall to Duel: “I’m Number One Now.”

alshon jefferey

CHICAGO — Third year player Alshon Jeffery held a press conference today at Portillo’s Hot Dogs proclaiming himself the best receiver on the Chicago Bears and publicly challenged Brandon Marshall to a duel.

“[Marshall’s] had [the number one receiver spot] long enough. That’s it. He’s done. I’m number one now. You saw last season, right?” said Jeffery.

“I work out with ‘B’ in the offseason and I know his weaknesses. That’s why I’m challenging him to a fight to the death.”

Brandon Marshall responded shortly after the press conference ended.


@BMarshall via twitter:
#knowyourrole #shutyourhole


After a breakout 2013 season in which Jeffery posted a gaudy 1,421 receiving yards and 7 touchdowns, the rising star decided early on what his next step should be.

“I knew five minutes after we lost out on the playoffs. I focused intensely on my offseason training and my jujitsu has improved greatly.”

The hand-to-hand fight is slated for Thursday, July 24th at Grant Park in Chicago. Quarterback and fellow teammate, Jay Cutler, has been designated as the referee by the Bear’s second year head coach Mark Trestman.

“Jay is a heady guy,” said Trestman. “I’m sure he can step right in there and make sure it’s a fair fight. As far as the fight goes, I like it. It’s healthy competition and a big part of the ‘Sith Package’ we installed towards the end of last season. It follows the rules of the ancient Sith Lords of Korriban.

“Korriban is a desert planet on the outer rim of our galaxy and was home to great Sith Lords years ago. In order to establish one’s status among the other Sith, they would train intensely and then challenge their master to a fight to the death. The winner is the master, or in this case, our number one wide receiver going into this season.”

When asked about the inevitable outcome of losing one of his star receivers, Trestman only shrugged.

“You can’t worry about that kind of stuff in this league, ya know? It’s like when we didn’t have enough depth on our defensive last year because of all the injuries. You play through the loss and then redraft at every position the next season. Whatever the outcome [of the fight], we expect Marquess Wilson to step in and fill the void. Who knows? Maybe Marquess will be challenging the winner of this fight next training camp.”

Jeffery left the press conference in a stretch Hummer limousine, after which he was seen boarding the McCaskey family’s private jet. Jeffery couldn’t be reached for additional comments but sources say that he is headed to the Congo for, “a few more days of training.”

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell has stated his support for the receiving duo’s, “duking it out,” for supremacy.


If Alshon Jeffery wins this fight, I will not take a salary this year.” –Roger Goodell ~New York Post


Brandon Marshall answered questions leaving the Bear’s training facility with second year player Marquess Wilson holding his pocket. When asked about how he would be preparing for the fight, Marshall didn’t hide his feelings.

“That’s football, man. That’s life. Coach ‘T’ put in a new system and we all bought in. I’m proud of Alshon. He’s come a long way from his rookie year. That being said, I’m still going to rip out his throat and give it to Marquess as a chew toy.”

Grant Park officials say they are ‘thrilled’ to be hosting the fight and encourage everyone to attend.

“This is great for all parties involved. It’s great for us, great for the city of Chicago, and it’s really just a reflection of how great the NFL is.”

Park officials have also said they will ‘beef up’ security in case Ndamukong Suh shows up. The fear is that with Jay Cutler being preoccupied with refereeing the fight, Suh may try to hit him with a steel chair or as one official put it, “brain him with a low-blow.”

image via

The following two tabs change content below.

Andrew T.G. Smivet

Andrew T.G. Smivet is a rogue among cavaliers. Which is to say: Exactly like everyone you have and will ever meet in your entire life.
Save big on officially licensed NFL fan merchandise at




Google Plus

Follow Me on Pinterest
  • Orton Signs with New York Jets for Pee Wee LeagueCooper

    Pinned: 31 Oct 2014
  • Gary Bettman confident Blues will choke again in playoffs, orders them participation ribbons.Z.B. Crawford

    Pinned: 31 Oct 2014
  • Rich Froning denounces Crossfit after finding old VHS copy of Sweating to the Oldies with Richard SimmonsHarry Henderson

    Pinned: 17 Oct 2014
  • Former Jets WR Stephen Hill claims that reports are false and he can in fact catch a coldHarry Henderson

    Pinned: 14 Oct 2014
  • Jacksonville Jaguars mascot holds up offensive sign, forces media to talk about 0-5 team.Harry Henderson

    Pinned: 11 Oct 2014
  • Jay Cutler Finally Just Throws in the TowelCooper

    Pinned: 9 Oct 2014
  • Vikings vs Packers pollGK

    Pinned: 2 Oct 2014
  • Jets hold open tryouts for the QB position; Brett Farve and Tim Tebow show up.Harry Henderson

    Pinned: 2 Oct 2014
  • Jerry Jones asks to rescheduled Sunday game to watch WWE Total Divas on the Stadium big screen.Harry Henderson

    Pinned: 2 Oct 2014
  • Which NFL Team is the Worst?GK

    Pinned: 1 Oct 2014