The Unprofessional Football League

Martin Brodeur Signs With Hartford Whalers

Martin Brodeur

Newark, NJ– It looks the greatest goalie in NHL history will be heading to a new home, one way or another.

In a press conference held at the Prudential Center, the home of his former team for the past 23 seasons, Martin Brodeur announced that he had signed a five-year deal with the Hartford Whalers, ending his months-long status as a free agent. Confused reporters looked on as Brodeur, a la LeBron James’s “The Decision,” triumphantly chose to “take his talents to Central Connecticut.”

The most baffling aspect of Brodeur’s “deal” is that the team that supposedly signed him does not exist. The Hartford Whalers played their final NHL game in 1997, after which the franchise left Hartford for Raleigh, becoming the Carolina Hurricanes. One reporter in attendance for Brodeur’s announcement asked if he had mistaken a deal with Carolina as one with Hartford. Brodeur balked at the notion before adding, “Scott Stevens will be joining me in Hartford. Ask him.”

Stevens, a Hall-of-Fame defenseman who played several seasons with Brodeur before retiring in 2004, confirmed that he most certainly is not coming out of retirement at age 50 to play for a defunct team

In an interview with NBC’s Pierre McGuire, Stevens narrated a heartbreaking phone conversation he had with Brodeur about his Hartford delusion.

“I told him that Hartford was no longer an NHL team. He just laughed and said, ‘No really, in Hartford, I think we have a better shot to shut down Mario Lemieux and that goon Eric Lindros.’ When I told him that both Lemieux and Lindros had retired years ago, he ignored it and said ‘we have to start practicing now if we’re going to take on the Western Conference champion Red Wings, especially with Federov there.’ I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Sergei Federov left Detroit in 2003, let alone that Detroit is now in the Eastern Conference.”

Brodeur’s status as the greatest of all time is most certainly not in jeopardy. His sanity, however, appears to be. Stevens attributes his bizarre behavior to an “inability to accept that the Devils benched him for Cory Schneider.” Stevens continued, “This guy has played for 23 seasons and holds every single goalie record there is. As great as he was, the writing was on the wall for him, so his mind went back to the mid-90s when he was still in his prime. He needs help.”

It certainly seems that for the time being, the only home that would welcome Brodeur is a nursing home.

 

Image Via Google Images

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Taylor Diamond

Taylor Diamond

Taylor is a disgruntled Philadelphia sports fan who loves to complain about the Phillies and mercilessly defend Donovan McNabb to disinterested New Yorkers. Residing in Brooklyn, he enjoys bike rides in Prospect Park, partakes in bar trivia nights and has been known to wear a cardigan a time or two. He also mock drafts for his fantasy league at what would be considered an "excessive and unhealthy" rate by mentally-stable individuals.
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